I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
