nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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