i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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