i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
