He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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