I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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