Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
