whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
