I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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