What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
