Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Everyone says I win the strip club
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
