I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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