i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
