My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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