I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
