I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
