you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
