I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
