i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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