I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
