all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
