I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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