i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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