I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I have aggressive nipples.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
