I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
