My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
