i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
