How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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