I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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