My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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