i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
wow bdsm is so cute
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
