Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
