he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
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decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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