The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
