you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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