i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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