I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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