We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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