i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
