FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
