i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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