All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
