She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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