people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wish you could order shots online.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
