I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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