I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We had sex on a dog bed..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
