Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
