Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
