On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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