Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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