Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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