he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
