On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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