I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
