My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
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U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
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Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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