I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
