No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
