so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
