i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
