they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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