Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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