Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
