I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
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His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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