the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
